How do you know a woman is wearing tights? Her knees swell up when she farts. I have a really good fashion sense but i'm just too poor to prove it There is a thin line between looking indie and looking homeless. What's soft and slippery? A slipper. My yoga pants have never been to yoga Standing in line behind an American woman at McDonald's. She's wearing those jeans, you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says " Guess". I'm thinking 250, maybe 300 pounds. You know these fashions with skinny jeans. I can't get into them. Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam! My favourite way to dress is in all black. My fashion sense is second to nun. How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches! What do you call a jacket that's on fire? A blazer! What kind of dress can't be worn? Address. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one. I always get really frustrated trying to put clothes in my wardrobe. Think I could do with some Hanger Management. What was the doctors prognosis after Lindsay fractured her wrist in two places at a Fashion Week party in New York? No vigorous drunken handjobs for 6 weeks! Today my fashion statement is, "I missed a spot shaving." Yoga pants are the pushup bras of asses. A man told his friend: "My wife only has two complaints: nothing to wear and not enough closet space." If you wear yoga pants, you're automatically twice as hot. On a scale of Elsa to Nicki Minaj how does your teenage daughter dress? I'm a girl. Don't touch my hair, face, phone, or my boyfriend. I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes minded. "One is never over-dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress." Of course gay men dress well... They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing. Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day. Tight Skirt A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!" Fashion Pick Up Lines Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off! Lick your fingers and touch the girls clothes and say "how bout me and you get outa these wet clothes" I'd like to be your math tutor for the night; add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply! That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!